So I am leaning more towards ending things with "Will". I am so tired of it always being it on his time. I would like for it to be on my time. I don't understand how someone can just use someone and never have any guilt, maybe he does......
I'm so mentally exhausted between him, school, my family and work. I have no motivation. No motivation to walk, talk, do anything. I don't want to see anyone yet tomorrow I have to work at two jobs tomorrow. I want to call out to both but I am desperate for the money.
My future scares me more than anything. I have so many what if's. What if I don't finish school, what if I am homeless, what if I don't ever get married, what if I don't have kids, what if I am a failure. The list goes on and on and its building up so much anxiety that its not even funny.
I see all these great things happening to my friends and family then there is just me, Chloe, working my butt off, yet I don't see anything great happening. I just see bad things happening.
I know I am being negative but its the truth.
I don't know what to do. I wish that I had a crystal ball that could show me into my future that way I could have some hope.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Saturday, April 25, 2015
Friends at WAR
I have a friend. She claims to be my best friend. Honestly, I don't find her a friend at all. I did at one time. She has put me down way to many times, treats my like crap, makes me feel bad about myself, she gets pissed if its not her way, and I have done so many favors for her but yet the one time I ask her to do me a favor her response is "Girl, I am in another town." She was 15-20 minutes away from my house. I asked her if she could get my book bag sometime between that night and in the morning because I was not home and I didn't want to drive an hour half home then an hour to school.
Another thing is we decided we would help each other out. How? I would write her 3 page paper and she would do my math homework since I suck at math and she hates to write. I had three or four days to write the paper. I spent time on her paper and stayed up late. Needless to say she I need to help with the math its a lot of work and that she can't ask because she isn't in that class and then said to me by the way I got a D on the paper, he is letting me redo it so I can get a C on it. I asked her how is it a D. Her response was I told you, you didn't use all the articles.
Now I did use all the articles. It pissed me off so I told her not to even worry about helping with my math and thank you. She did a little bit, I'll give her that. She said that's not the point that I didn't give my 100% best and we agreed to help each other.
I'm not dealing with that crap. I refuse to have her treat me this way. She wants to be a bitch, let her be a bitch to someone else. It sure as hell won't be me.
Another thing is we decided we would help each other out. How? I would write her 3 page paper and she would do my math homework since I suck at math and she hates to write. I had three or four days to write the paper. I spent time on her paper and stayed up late. Needless to say she I need to help with the math its a lot of work and that she can't ask because she isn't in that class and then said to me by the way I got a D on the paper, he is letting me redo it so I can get a C on it. I asked her how is it a D. Her response was I told you, you didn't use all the articles.
Now I did use all the articles. It pissed me off so I told her not to even worry about helping with my math and thank you. She did a little bit, I'll give her that. She said that's not the point that I didn't give my 100% best and we agreed to help each other.
I'm not dealing with that crap. I refuse to have her treat me this way. She wants to be a bitch, let her be a bitch to someone else. It sure as hell won't be me.
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
What am I doing with my life???
It seems like I haven't blogged in awhile. Its only been a few days. What's new.....lets see, I have been working my ass off. I am stressing out beyond belief about school. I am so nervous that I am going to fail. I don't want to and I am trying, really I am.
I want to give up one of my jobs but I am debating if I should or not.
I actually saw "Will" today. Made my day but then I checked his twitter and he changed his profile picture to him and his wife. It pissed me off, but at this point I know that me and him will never be together no matter how much I love him and want to be with him.
I have class in 45 minutes and I seriously don't want to go. After class I have the joy of going to work.
I want to give up one of my jobs but I am debating if I should or not.
I actually saw "Will" today. Made my day but then I checked his twitter and he changed his profile picture to him and his wife. It pissed me off, but at this point I know that me and him will never be together no matter how much I love him and want to be with him.
I have class in 45 minutes and I seriously don't want to go. After class I have the joy of going to work.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Working
I am going on 4 hours of sleep. I have been working constantly. I give up on "Will". Honestly there is no point.
I am at a low point. This is BULLSHIT. I would honestly like my life to turn around.
It would be great if my mother and grandmother to get along instead of them trying to constantly put me in the middle. UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and I found out that I made an F on my test. I tried and tried but failed.
Just put FAILURE on my forward.
I am at a low point. This is BULLSHIT. I would honestly like my life to turn around.
It would be great if my mother and grandmother to get along instead of them trying to constantly put me in the middle. UGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
Oh and I found out that I made an F on my test. I tried and tried but failed.
Just put FAILURE on my forward.
Thursday, April 16, 2015
Together
Is it because I am tall, white and getting tan, white teeth, long hair, skinny?
Those are my features. When I look in the mirror, I just see a girl. A girl whose unhappy and has been unhappy for along time.
I'm trying to change my life around. It may not seem like it, but I am.
As of today I didn't hear from "Will." As you may know Will is a married man. He is thirteen years older than me. He is a complete ASSHOLE but he is also sweet and caring. I wanted him to message me so badly today but at the same time I knew it wasn't going to happen. I talked to him on 4/14. It was a short conversation of him basically telling me he was sick and had been for a few days. Last time I saw him was 3/25. Also the last time I had fucking sex. Its bullshit like why am I having to suffer. I'm not the type of girl who fucks two people at the same time. I don't want to give him up but its quite apparent me and him are never going to be together.
I am wanting to put in my notice at one of my jobs tomorrow and I am quite nervous. I feel like with all the jobs I am working at, that they are clashing together, plus I am going to school. I need to give some stuff up and not be so stressed out.
Writing this I am wondering, are people actually reading this?
I need to get my shit together.
Those are my features. When I look in the mirror, I just see a girl. A girl whose unhappy and has been unhappy for along time.
I'm trying to change my life around. It may not seem like it, but I am.
As of today I didn't hear from "Will." As you may know Will is a married man. He is thirteen years older than me. He is a complete ASSHOLE but he is also sweet and caring. I wanted him to message me so badly today but at the same time I knew it wasn't going to happen. I talked to him on 4/14. It was a short conversation of him basically telling me he was sick and had been for a few days. Last time I saw him was 3/25. Also the last time I had fucking sex. Its bullshit like why am I having to suffer. I'm not the type of girl who fucks two people at the same time. I don't want to give him up but its quite apparent me and him are never going to be together.
I am wanting to put in my notice at one of my jobs tomorrow and I am quite nervous. I feel like with all the jobs I am working at, that they are clashing together, plus I am going to school. I need to give some stuff up and not be so stressed out.
Writing this I am wondering, are people actually reading this?
I need to get my shit together.
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
Really?
Today I had my A&P test and I am pretty sure I failed. I studied and studied and then once I got the test BOOM! I lost everything. The thing is if I didn't make an A or a B than I basically failed the class. I feel like an absolute failure.
On top of that I didn't hear from "Will." I wanted to talk to him and try to make plans with him. I miss him. I haven't seen him in almost a month. It feels like years. My sex life has gone down the drain.
Have you ever had sex so much and then all of the sudden it stops? Yes, that's me. We used to have sex all the time and now its maybe 1-3 times at the most. Its pretty sad. I mean I like sex.
Ughhh my grandma just walked in the house. At least she just got back from the grocery store so I guess that is a plus. We were running pretty low on food. I sound pretty ungrateful right now. I promise though if you met me, you'd be like damn you are far from that and think I am a nice person.
Trust me what I right is my thought and what is going on in my fucked up life.
I wish I could just look in my future. See what my career is, if I am married, and if I am married who am I married too, do I have any kids....I think about this stuff a lot.
My priority's are so out of order. It should be school first but instead have had Will first for so long, which he should not even be a priority, my GPA in school has now suffered. Really can I bring it to where I want?
On top of that I didn't hear from "Will." I wanted to talk to him and try to make plans with him. I miss him. I haven't seen him in almost a month. It feels like years. My sex life has gone down the drain.
Have you ever had sex so much and then all of the sudden it stops? Yes, that's me. We used to have sex all the time and now its maybe 1-3 times at the most. Its pretty sad. I mean I like sex.
Ughhh my grandma just walked in the house. At least she just got back from the grocery store so I guess that is a plus. We were running pretty low on food. I sound pretty ungrateful right now. I promise though if you met me, you'd be like damn you are far from that and think I am a nice person.
Trust me what I right is my thought and what is going on in my fucked up life.
I wish I could just look in my future. See what my career is, if I am married, and if I am married who am I married too, do I have any kids....I think about this stuff a lot.
My priority's are so out of order. It should be school first but instead have had Will first for so long, which he should not even be a priority, my GPA in school has now suffered. Really can I bring it to where I want?
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
Headaches and wrinkles
So tell me how I wake up with a dang headache. Could it be from the fact that I grind my teeth at night or the fact that I worked myself up hoping I would hear from "Will"
I have to go in today for my training for my new job. I keep going back and forth saying do I really want to go, do I really need it. I mean I already have more than one job.
I have to remind myself I have to pay for what I like to call hell also known as college.
I think I have looked at my phone at least a thousand times hoping for a message and the fact my phone is almost dead because of this makes me sound pretty damn pathetic.
I feel like my day has gone pretty crappy so far. Get this, I tried washing my clothes but my insane grandma gets pissed off at me saying "DO YOU NOT SEE MY CLOTHES ARE DOWN THERE." When I walked to the washing machine, she was in bed. Half my clothes were in the washing machine and she decides to get up and tell me that, along with no.
I ended up taking all the clothes out and I told her I was just going to use a laundry mat from now on because seriously I am so sick of hearing her bickering. Its her way or no way.
God this headache. Plus I have a damn test tomorrow and seriously if I don't make at least an A I am screwed. PRAYERS PEOPLE PLEASE!!!!!!
This is pure torture. Having a headache, going to work training and its going to be for only five hours but I know its going to feel like at least thirty hours then I get to come home and study for A&P 1. Now if anyone of you guys have ever taken A&P you know its HARD! I have failed my last 3 test and we have 3 more test. Thankfully are lowest grade gets dropped and if I make at least A's or B's on the rest of the tests I can come out with a C or a B. I really don't want a C but its better than a D or an F.
Why does life have to be so stressful. It just causes headaches and wrinkles.
4/14/2015
I have to go in today for my training for my new job. I keep going back and forth saying do I really want to go, do I really need it. I mean I already have more than one job.
I have to remind myself I have to pay for what I like to call hell also known as college.
I think I have looked at my phone at least a thousand times hoping for a message and the fact my phone is almost dead because of this makes me sound pretty damn pathetic.
I feel like my day has gone pretty crappy so far. Get this, I tried washing my clothes but my insane grandma gets pissed off at me saying "DO YOU NOT SEE MY CLOTHES ARE DOWN THERE." When I walked to the washing machine, she was in bed. Half my clothes were in the washing machine and she decides to get up and tell me that, along with no.
I ended up taking all the clothes out and I told her I was just going to use a laundry mat from now on because seriously I am so sick of hearing her bickering. Its her way or no way.
God this headache. Plus I have a damn test tomorrow and seriously if I don't make at least an A I am screwed. PRAYERS PEOPLE PLEASE!!!!!!
This is pure torture. Having a headache, going to work training and its going to be for only five hours but I know its going to feel like at least thirty hours then I get to come home and study for A&P 1. Now if anyone of you guys have ever taken A&P you know its HARD! I have failed my last 3 test and we have 3 more test. Thankfully are lowest grade gets dropped and if I make at least A's or B's on the rest of the tests I can come out with a C or a B. I really don't want a C but its better than a D or an F.
Why does life have to be so stressful. It just causes headaches and wrinkles.
4/14/2015
Monday, April 13, 2015
The mess up
Let's see, this is my first blog. Don't know if anyone will read it. Hey, I don't care because I like to write. Also because I want to share I guess what is going on in my life and maybe I'll help someone.
So the relationship I have with my parents is crappy and has been since I have arrived in this bitter world.
I go to college and I work more than one job. I am stressed out from all of these but I know that there are other people that go to college and work more than one job as well.
To top it off, I am having sex with a married man and have been for almost three years. We got caught over a year ago and I honestly thought they would divorce and I would be with him but nope.
I am so damn confused about what love is now. I have been trying to look for a guy to fill this whole in my heart. I have attempted relationships and all have ended up in a fail.
I constantly hope that I am going to receive a message from this married man. I am going to call the married man Will. I look at my phone constantly. Have you guys ever been in this position?
I know, I know a bunch of you think this whore or home wrecker.
I honestly would have thought the same thing three years ago.
I know I am not in the position in getting caught again. I don't know what the future holds for me but we will see.
4/13/2015
So the relationship I have with my parents is crappy and has been since I have arrived in this bitter world.
I go to college and I work more than one job. I am stressed out from all of these but I know that there are other people that go to college and work more than one job as well.
To top it off, I am having sex with a married man and have been for almost three years. We got caught over a year ago and I honestly thought they would divorce and I would be with him but nope.
I am so damn confused about what love is now. I have been trying to look for a guy to fill this whole in my heart. I have attempted relationships and all have ended up in a fail.
I constantly hope that I am going to receive a message from this married man. I am going to call the married man Will. I look at my phone constantly. Have you guys ever been in this position?
I know, I know a bunch of you think this whore or home wrecker.
I honestly would have thought the same thing three years ago.
I know I am not in the position in getting caught again. I don't know what the future holds for me but we will see.
4/13/2015
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)